The Disposition of an Insomniac

Lack of sleep is my heroin

If I have not fallen asleep by one a.m. there is no need to worry. Most nights I am up watching TV anyway. One a.m. is a decent time for me, there’s no need to stress; but before I know it, two a.m. rolls around. Now, this is still ok, but I know at this point my eyes and mind need to rest. I try to close my eyes and count sheep but the only things I end up counting are all the responsibilities that come when I wake. My mind races to jobs I need to finish that are not even my responsibility, such as what needs to be done at work tomorrow when I won’t even be there. I fade off into miscellaneous thought. Contemplating on why we as a human species are alive, and I feel like I need to solve that question before morning comes around.

Before I know it, the number four on my phone begins to stalk me. Each minute that grows closer is another step forward that four a.m. takes towards me. I lay in my bed, the back of my head resting on my pillow, body under one blanket because it’s too warm to be fully covered. My hands over my face, fingers trying to force my eyes shut; this isn’t working. Maybe my body is too warm to fall asleep, I get up to turn on the fan that sits on my windowsill. Well, shit. I’ve gotten myself down an even deeper hole. Now that I’ve gotten up and walked two feet to the window, my legs are fully awake. I want to take them out for miles and eventually, I will give in. Everyone tells me to do a small exercise if I’m tired. Yeah, fuck that thought.

How the hell is it already six a.m.? The streets are loud of cars, filled with tired people on their way to work, and I am outside of my house sitting on the front porch. I have not slept, not a single moment. At this point why even bother trying to sleep? The world is awake, so I might as well be too.

Is this mania or is this just insomnia? Even with no sleep, my mind is wild and alive, my hands need to be moving at the speed of sound. I am unstoppable. I can do anything. Nothing will hold me back. I don’t even need sleep at this point. I am Wonder Woman. No…no, I am my own woman. I am big, strong, and confident; I am powerful. I am power.

Later in the morning, I crash. All my walls of strength I have built have come tumbling down to my feet. What happened? Where did my power go? I never really had any power. Power, you see, is simply a word. I am weak, but weak isn’t just a word to me. No, weak is my middle name. I live and breathe each letter of the word. Depression has come back and I am weak. The cycle will begin again. I will be low for quite some time to the point it will feel ok. I will become content with this depression. The small time of tranquility will only last for so long and it will soon pass.

Days go by and my energy will begin to rise once again. This new burst of energy is unfamiliar to my body as I have been down for so long. My hands shake and I am unsteady, but I believe this is probably just anxiety. This hill my mind is climbing is wearing me down. My body won’t stop. Soon enough I have reached the peak, the high of all highs. No drug could ever feel as good as this one right now at the top of this mountain my mind has climbed. I have peaked and oh boy is it beautiful. I am everything I want to be. There is no such thing as being “weak.”

I crave for this kind of rush each time I wake. I enjoy the way it feels, but it hurts me. I talk too much and don’t listen enough, I make bad decisions, become reckless and careless of others. I become a person I don’t know and someone I don’t really want to be.

When Everything Has Become “Too Good”

When we become used to our past being a horrid tragedy, sometimes trying to move forward and enjoying life can be difficult. We can even think this action is impossible.

Sometimes I can’t help but want everything to go to shit again. I want everything to go back to a bad place where I am hurting myself: drinking too much, letting unknown pills enter my body, adding new scars to my skin. Everything has been too good to be true. I’ve let my anxiety come back, but it doesn’t seem to ever be “bad enough.” Nothing is ever enough.

Don’t get me wrong; I enjoy the good moments in life. Laughing with my best friend until our stomachs can’t take it anymore. I enjoy driving my car for hours listing to my favorite pop songs that are much more popular than they should be. Sitting in coffee shops listening to women above the age of fifty talk about how horrible their experience was at the last coffee shop they went to. Critiquing each drink made as if they were to write a review on it. These are the little things I don’t mind experiencing in life, though I know this won’t last forever.

The unknown of happiness frightens the hell out of me. How long it will last? Expecting the worst is easier. Expecting the worst makes it simpler to get through the hard times. When presuming nothing good to come out of life, I will be less likely to get my heart torn to pieces. When suspecting that no one loves me, it’s easier to handle a bad breakup; I see it coming. I don’t fall in love. I know it will let me down anyway. Though I suppose I contradict myself, being afraid of love, but expecting to get my heart broken. Maybe this is why I find myself stuck in life. I never know where to go from here. I’m at a stop sign in the middle of a highway. I should be moving forward but I am at a standstill.

Everyone else zips around me, honking car horns and throwing middle fingers left and right. I don’t react. I am staring into a black hole afraid to move forward. Life has me stumped. Why does everyone else seem to know how to push the gas pedal down, but I’m stuck on the brake?

My Bed

When a bed becomes more than a place to dream.

My queen sized bed has become my best friend. When I am tired, which seems to be all the time, she gives me a comfortable home to rest my eyes. If Mother Nature is blowing snow outside of my window, she keeps me warm. She caresses me into her soft body and wraps around my skin and bones to keep me from shivering from the cold. She is good to me, so, so good to me, though I am not always good to her. I am not always around when she expects me to be, yet I always need her when she doesn’t seem to need me. During these times she likes to be alone, but as soon as one o’clock comes around I need her kind arms around me.

Some days she’ll get mad at me. She can smell the scent of another bed all around my body, in my hair, and under my nails. I have denied, rejected, and let her down. She’ll get unimaginably angry towards me and she won’t allow me to sleep. She turns her body into stone and she rocks the bed as if she is the sea and I am the canoe. For this I feel sad; I’ve let another one down. I begin to spend more time with her to make up for the moments I’ve missed.

I have become addicted to her. When I rest upon her chest all time seems to stop. I am free. With my head upon the pillow, she whispers stories in my ear, her voice soft and sweet. The way the words flow out of her like silk is arousing. All of her thoughts she tells me, turn into a beautiful, yet tragic dream. Some nights I am resting on clouds, slowly flying by being blown by the breath of her words. I am in heaven. Every second I am with her, I can’t wait to hear what she has to say.

Some nights are a surprise. She frightens me. These times of horror come from her frustration and hurt. For all the times I left her, she was soaked in pain. On these nights, when she tells me a story it is dark and heavy. Her words are sharp and stab into each crevasse of my body. When I wake, I find tears slowly trickling down the side of my face. I am no longer on a cloud in the sky, but on a train rolling off its tracks seeing its death come upon as it falls from the bridge.

After these painful moments I know I should leave her because she’s hurt me, but honestly, I don’t mind. I’ll always find myself crawling back to her: back to bed.