Most days the silence of the world kills me; I can hear my own thoughts. I try my best to turn these thoughts off because they always find themselves in a dark place. Today is different. I am coming down from an episode and my mind is calm. I am no longer at the top of a large mountain as an avalanche begins. This is real life and I am in my car driving down a long stretch of road, not sure where I am headed, but that’s ok. I let the music play through the speakers of my car, though this time it’s not to drown out my mind. The music is there for me to enjoy. I listen to each note flow through the vehicle. Through the seams of the seats, bouncing off the windows and coming back to the drums of my ears. This sort of calmness feels good. My mind is at rest.
My hands are still shaking from the tips of my fingers down to where my arm ends and my hand begins, but this is progress. My body wants to keep moving at the speed my mind usually does. I know this feeling of mental content won’t last forever, but for these few moments I will enjoy it and take the silence for the beauty that it is. The blood that runs through my veins will take some time to learn how to be at peace. The episodes of extreme highs and utterly low lows will continue for the rest of my life, but my mind and body will learn to manage these feelings. My mind will be at peace with itself.